Tuesday, September 28, 2010

30 days later.

It's difficult to write this post without sounding ungrateful and depressing.  So, ahead of time, I'm sorry.  But not really.  I need to write.  Because hopefully writing everything down will somehow make me feel better in 2 or 3 years when I'm able to sit down and reread this post and be grateful for whatever my situation may at that point.  So I'm going to throw it out there and put the buzzword bold blogging to good use.

Here goes...

I hate working full time.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.  I HATE IT.

It's not the work I mind.  I do have a passion for teaching and I love being a teacher and working with children - but, I HATE being away from home. 

I miss Beckham terribly.  I hate that he spends the majority of his time out of my care.  I hate that he cries more often, that he's been sick for going on two weeks straight, that he wakes up in the middle of the night frequently (which is something he hasn't done consistently since infancy), and that the two waking hours I do spend with him I am usually past exhaustion.  I am not giving him my best. I feel it and I'm pretty sure he feels it too. 

I think I cry just as often as he does these days.  Something just doesn't feel right about being gone all. the time.  I leave for work at 6:30am so that I don't have to stay late, and, despite that, I am at school until 4:30pm anyway tying up loose ends and emailng and blah, blah, blah. 

And this, what I'm about to type, is going to sound just downright awful.  But after I spend 7+ hours giving my all to twenty-four children, it's hard to come home and give my all to my own.  And that is the worst.  The absolute worst feeling ever. 

On top of all that, there's still marriage, laundry, bills and other facets of life that require care and attention.  It's hard.  Is there a trick to this?  Am I just missing the part where everything just falls into place and works out?  Because we're only 30 days into the school year, and with 147 left to go, I am seriously wondering just how I'm going to make it through until May as the emotional wreck that I am right now. 

And it's hard for B too.  He's juggling this new stay-at-home dad gig, all while trying to sneak in study sessions during naptimes and deal with me who is crying into his shoulder about how miserable I am.  I guess it isn't easy for any of us right now. 

My prayer lately has been that somehow God will make a way for our family so that I don't have to teach fulltime for very long.  I don't know how.  The lottery, maybe?  Though yesterday, when I picked up my pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks, I seriously contemplated what it might be like to work their early shift so I could be home early enough to take Beckham to preschool.  I hear they give benefits for part-time...

And, as I said, I'm sure I sound ungrateful.  But I truly am not.  I am grateful that I do have a decent job that pays the bills, provides benefits, and that B has gone back to school to pursue his college degree.  I just wish there was more time in the day, the money grew on trees, and that childhood lasted longer than a blink.  But none of that is true, unfortunately.

I don't have any concluding statements to make, other than a peppier Babbling Abby will be back tomorrow for What I Wore Wedesnday.  At least I'll look that way in the pictures :) 

30 comments:

Betsy said...

Wow....you have just described my life. And I don't even have small children at home anymore. Teaching is a non-stop, 24/7 crazy job!!! It is soooo demanding. I feel so sorry for you since you have your sweet baby to work into the equation. I am feeling the exact same way you are and I can't believe we're only 30 days in. We just need to say a prayer for ourselved and all the other teachers out there who I am sure can relate to this!! xoxo

lala said...

Abby, I wrote the same sentiments today - but I didn't have the heart to publish. There's a teacher from my school that keeps tabs on us (the student teachers) and I was afraid she'd find my little corner of the internet. You're not alone. Good luck!

Biz said...

I'm sorry, I know it's hard - granted I'm only going back to work part time, but still, any amount of time away from your babies is just awful. I wish it was easier for you, and that you weren't missing this time in Beckham's life. Just try to remember that the sacrifices you're making now will be worth it in the long run. And? Every day you make it through is another day closer to summer break. You can do it! :)

The Taffs said...

I'm catching a glimpse of how you feel. I'm 5 weeks into my maternity leave with my first, and I go back to work in 2 weeks. I am already dreading returning to my classroom. I love my job, I really, really do. But, if we could afford for just my husband to work (he's a teacher too), I would stay home in a heartbeat. I dread going back to work just thinking about how much time I'm going to miss with my son.

Hang in there!

According to Ashley said...

Bless your heart! This post is so well-written and I feel for you guys! I'm a newlywed and a second year teacher (without kids of my own) and I've been thinking a lot lately about how there isn't enough time (or energy) in the day. I really don't know how people give it their all in the classroom and then go home and give it their all there, too. Sigh. I think it's even more difficult right now because you're taking classes on top of everything. Thanks for being so honest in this post (my favorite kind of post!). I'll definitely be thinking about you and crossing my fingers, hoping that someone randomly mails you a very large check. :)

Ari- Audrey Onassis said...

Abby, my heart goes out to you. You are such a brave woman to make these choices for your family's long-term benefit. The only comfort I can attempt to provide is that you will somehow get used to this new way of life. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, but I'm glad that you have this place where you can come and express your feelings- even the not-peppy ones.

Holly said...

I completely understand! Sometimes I feel like a bad mom and wife!

I am just so run down after a day at school. Then I have to put on my mom and wife face for another 7 hours of the day.

It's exhausting!!

Just know you aren't the only one that feels this way!!

littledaisymay said...

Awww girl! I'll be thinking about you :) Can't wait to see what you've been wearing because I know it'll be cute!

Ashley said...

so sorry to hear that you are feeling bad about work. I don't have kids and I'm not in the classroom full time (counselor) BUT I'm not sure how I'll feel about being with kids all day and all night too. I think that it is a common and totally rational thing. I doubt that I'll ever be able to stay home with our kids (at least not anytime soon) thanks to debt and the fact that I make more money than the hubs does. It is so hard to balance everything.

Morgan said...

Hopefully it will all fall into place. Maybe you need a few more weeks for everyone to get used to the changes.

Page said...

Hey Abby - I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I taught my first year in public school last year and seriously wondered every day how my teacher friends with kids did it. It is the most exhausting and draining job, way more so for a mother. Being in the pre-mom phase, I think about that a lot. I can't imagine your heartache. Praying that there is a way you can stay home with your little guy soon. Or if that's not an option, that somehow you will have the extra strength you need to make it through.

On a side note, I have heard Starbucks is a great place to work! And I've done the coffee shop thing,(Reality Tues. Cafe in Park Hills), and loved it. Glad you are venting honestly - it's healthy! :) I look forward to seeing your WIWW outfits!

Desiree Wong said...

I totally know how you feel...totally...saying a little prayer for you and your family...

MrsKinne said...

Oh, Abby, I am sending a lot of good thoughts your way. School is kicking my butt, and it's only Mr. Kinne and our cat Barney in our little family. I can't imagine how you're felling, being stretched in a million different directions.

Shubs said...

Oh Abs. Seriously I shed a tear for you while reading this. Having followed you for years now, when I read this, I feel like I'm on the phone with a friend-not just reading some random person's blog, ya know? I wish I could just drive south a bit and hug you to tell you what an amazing person you are. How I'm envious of your mad teaching skills, your killer child-friendly kitchen creation with Becks, and good will treasure chest aka closet...but mostly what an UN-BE-LIEVABLE mom you are. Seriously Abby-you are. I know that just from hearing you babble. So, my sentiment is that if I got to see you in action in person, I'd be infinitely more impressed. Stick with it girl. You are doing great things, and Beckham will know a wonderful life because of it. xoxo.

Nicole said...

I know its not comforting but we just changed lives. For the past 2.5 years i have been a full-time working mom and then last month started being a stay at home in preparation for our new baby (due in 10 days!) AND i have to say I had no idea what I was missing. Staying home makes me feel like such a better person, mom, wife, etc. and honestly i don't know how i was a a working mom for so long. We are unsure if i will have to return to work after maternity leave and i am scared to death about it because i feel like i am finally happy for the first time in a long time.
It took a lot of strength to write this post and i cant imagine how hard things must be for you, and i wish i could give you some amazing piece of advice, but all i can say is i truly understand and pray that things get better for you.

Sugar and Spice said...

Abby, I totally get you. We seem to be in the same boat. Grad School+Little Children+ Teaching Full time in a new Grade= Grumpy Parents. I just try and remember that this too shall pass and (like good wine!) things WILL get better with time. Hang in there!

mel @ the larson lingo said...

I could have written this post a few years ago after I had my first. I then decided to teach part time & luckily my principal was supportive of allowing me to do that. It is so hard being a working mom & wife....know that everything you are feeling is TOTALLY normal! Hang in there!

Grace said...

I know how you feel. I had my son at the end of the 08-09 school year. I didn't mind going back to work to finish the year because I knew I had all summer. Going back in the fall of 09-10 was awful. I had such a negative attitude about work because I hated being away from my little man. I enjoyed every second of my summer with him this year and going back this school year has been a little better. Hang in there. I think it will get better.

KateB said...

praying for Abs! it is so difficult for us and I don't even have a kid in the mix! I will praying for the Lord to open a door for y'all to let you know it will all be okay, because it will ALL. BE. OKAY!

California Wife said...

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this right now! I struggle just leaving my dogs for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, so I can't imagine how incredibly hard it must be to leave your darling boy. I think you know that in the long run it will all be worth it, but I know that doesn't help much now. Hang in there, I'm thinking of you!

Jenni said...

Awww, I'm so sorry :( I'm not a mom yet but I'm already worried about what it will be like when I have kids and I have to work. I'm thinking about you and hoping it will get easier.

courtneyricole said...

I don't know what state you live in, but nearly every state has some type of virtual school . . . I have a friend whose 3rd grade daughter is attending virtual school! So it's available at all levels! It might be worth checking out!

Jenny said...

I feel the exact same way. I have to leave so early in the mornings that I don't even see my kids. And I have to be at school so early because I have car duty--so I'm unloading kids out of cars and dealing with parents at 7 in the morning, and my own children are just waking up. I hate it. I want to be with them every minute of every day. But, my husband and I both chose to be teachers. And unless we make some serious, drastic changes... I will always be teaching and leaving my kids. :( So, you are not alone my friend. And I will add you to my prayers! PS I LOVE "What I Wore Wednesdays"

AbbyS. said...

Great post. I am not sure what to say. Doing what we do is hard. Don't give up on any of your jobs. I want to tell you it gets easier hoping that for you it will.
I hate that you are hating your day job. I know you have to be GREAT at what you do. I know that you have been through a lot of changes and I pray that it all works out for you and you learn to manage it all.
I have always worked full time so I don't fully understand what the transisition is like, but I have faith that you and your family will make it work! You and your boys can do this! You are not alone in this struggle.
Keep us posted!
Just think. 2 MORE DAYS UNTIL THE WEEKEND!! :)

Kristin said...

AWW! i totally know where you are comming from!!! just last year i was working full time...granted it was only 3 days a week, but it was 3 TWELVE hour shifts in which i hardly got to see my daughter for like an hour after i got home.and my hubby is on 2nd shift so i didn't c him at all on the days i worked!!! i just prayed A LOT about it and somehow things fell into place. now i am working part time.. two 12 hour night shifts. i'll be praying for you! hang in there! God Bless!

Nat said...

I know I can't truly relate yet but as one of my bloggy BFFs I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and it will get better, as we know this too shall pass and remember that the sacrifices you're making today will make your life so much better in the future! My mom worked full time my whole life and me and my sister have NEVER once felt neglected by her at all and to be honest I'm thankful that she was selfless enough to work hard for us to provide us with unlimited opportunities in our lives and futures- I can never repay her for that!! So chin up and stay strong girl, you're a great mom and Becks loves you no matter what!

Jaime said...

I'm in the exact same place as you. Teacher, mom of adorable 2 year old. My husband works nights, so I am
basically a single mom 5 days a week and I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try, it's not good enough. When I get home from work I am exhausted, mentally and physically, and between cooking and cleaning and grading papers, I need to spend quality time with my son before bed time. My house is always a mess and I always feel like I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I haven't figured out a trick to do it all yet, just know - you are definitely not alone.

JBCHAP930 said...

Will pray for you. I know it can't be easy but keep looking to the future. I am sure Becks loves every minute with you and I am sure you show him you love him very much. Even when you are exhausted after a long day at work.

Jennings Tisdale said...

I am at 8 weeks back in the classroom, and feel the exact same way. I HATE HATE HATE being away from Silas all day. he turned 6 months old today, and I have no clue where the time went. I am praying the same for my family...

Hollie said...

i'm a little behind, so i'm just now reading this post...
just want you to know that you're not the only person who has felt this way, and it is completely normal. and it's exactly how i felt when i went back to work after having kate. it seems we all have a healthy dose of 'mommy guilt'. and if it matters at all, i think you do an AMAZING job in all of your roles in life. truly. it shows. hang in there and know i'll be praying for you.