Thursday, November 29, 2012

Playing with a deck, half-stacked.

I’m feeling pulled to write again.  It’s cathartic.  Healing.  And, allows me to say what goes through my mind that I’d probably verbalize to a stranger in line at the grocery store, because that’s how I roll, but there’s something even more freeing in documenting it.  

So, let’s talk about it.  Rip the old Band-Aid off.  Get it out in the open. 

B and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half.  Obviously, unsuccessfully.  It’s still just us, and that spirited little guy named Beckham, who we love and adore with all our hearts.  But, MY plan was to add onto our family well before I turned 30.  Which happens in less than a month (gah!).  So, yeah, that’s not happening. 

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In the past year and half, it seems that practically everyone I know – who’s wanted to become pregnant – has.  And, literally, everyone I know who had a baby around the same time I had Beckham has added a second or third child to their families.  Dagger. To. My. Heart.

So…

In January, which seems eons ago at this point, I visited my OBGYN who said the standard, Well, just keep on trying.  You have a kid, so we know the parts are there.  Come back in six months.

I might’ve fibbed a little when May rolled around, we still weren’t pregnant, and I told the lady that picked up the phone that Dr. C told us to book an appointment if we’d made it to that iconic year mark.  It wasn’t a year.  That was the fib.  It was only 11 months.  But I couldn’t wait a month longer. 

Dr. C advised an HSG test, which runs dye through the ol’ fallopian tubes and uterus.  Then, they take an x-ray of your insides.  Hmmmmm, you’re playing with a deck half-stacked.  That’s what he said as I lay there feeling all No freaking way.  I cried.  B was there and gave me hand-squeezes and hugs.  {Playing with a deck half-stacked, for those of you unfamiliar with this medical terminology, means blockages.  No explanation.  Just blocked.}

New plan = Clomid.  I’m thrilled for this stride.  My inner dialogue goes something like this, Now we’re going to get pregnant.  Maybe even twins!  This will be easy!  I’ll get pregnant by July, have a baby in April, and have an extended maternity leave before starting the 2013-2014 school year.  Clomid, clomid, clomid!  I LOVE CLOMID.

Four rounds of Comid later, I was over it.  HOLY HOTFLASHES, I HATE CLOMID. You would’ve thought I was fifty and menopausal the way I flung those sheets off and on throughout the night.   More importantly, we still weren’t pregnant.  

New plan = Fertility specialist with an exciting, expensive plan, known to commonfolk as turkey bastin’ or, when I’m trying to sound smart, Intra-uterine Insemination (IUI).  This meant 5 days of a stronger fertility drug, Femara, followed by a shot of Ovidril.  My new inner dialogue goes something like this, THE ANSWER TO OUR PRAYERS.  This will work!  How can it not?!  We are timing everything, taking drugs, and seeing a FERTILITY SPECIALIST.  This is soooooooo going to work!!!!! 

Except it didn’t. 

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{B and I at our pre-IUI breakfasts.  Not as lucky as I would’ve liked, but dang those pancakes were good!}

The doctor said it usually takes 3-5 times for success.  A friend tried NINE times with no success.  We tried it twice.  And, both times, I morphed into some combination of a lunatic and a peeonastickaholic.  The hormones were maddening and I’d take anywhere from 3-10 tests each round, despite the fact they were all negative.  I’m telling you, I was Miss Crazy Pants. 

So, last month, we decided we were done.  Done with the drugs.  Done with the planning and scheduling.  Done with the doctor’s appointments.  Done with the negative tests.  Done with the two-week-wait.  DUN-ZO. 

It was all very matter-of-fact.  We quit trying to get pregnant

I felt a peace about it all.  Glad to part with all the uncertainty that comes with trying to conceive. 

And, God.  There’s Him.  Who reveals His plan in His time.  And, we’re going to travel that path now. 

I’m going to give up control.  Which is difficult for me.  I like to know what’s going to happen to me, to feel that I had a big part in its making.  But, the bottom line, is that I’ve never had a part in that plan.  I think it’s a good thing, though :)

2012-11-24_1353768184

57 comments:

The Mrs said...

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. It can be very lonely. I admire you opening up about it and please know that you are not alone. I'll be praying for you.

Sara

Lslouka said...

What memories your post brought back for me.....
but my struggle was for three years and with my first child. After infertitility treatments and much that you described we were blessed with our daughter. I never had the guts to try it all again. :). Good luck to you,Abby. I know it is a rough road.

Lindsay said...

Really needed to read this tonight. It seems everyone I know has gotten pregnant so easily with their second and I am really struggling so its sometimes nice to know there are others dealing with the same thing. Praying for you and God's plan for your life.

Lea Liz said...

Oh sweet girl, had no idea!
I am sure it took alot to open up! I will defintily keep you and your grow family in my prayers! God has a plan! Sometimes when you just Let Go and Let God the best things happen!!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Abby,

I've been reading your blogs for some time now...please know you are so much stronger than you think. God does have a plan...I truly believe that. I know his for you will be amazing. Keep your faith. xo

A friend from a far

Anonymous said...

Chin up Abby. Life holds many joys-surprises too! I am praying for happiness in your family!!

MrsKinne said...

I'm so sorry! Infertility is the worst. I remember crying over negative tests and other people's Facebook pregnancy announcements. I am sending fertile thoughts your way!

Rachel said...

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle. We too did a few rounds of clomid before moving on to IVF because a nurse read our results wrong :/ It's a difficult road but I admire your honesty, infertility should not be something we don't talk about. If it weren't for our awesome fertility docs we wouldn't have our 7 week old twins! I know what you mean about the drugs, oh the drugs! I went from crazy Icantgetpregnant lady to crazy whatifthisdoesntwork lady to ohmygodimpregnant lady. Hang in there and good luck!

Jason, Betsy, Jackson said...

As said above, this brought back a lot of memories of fertility treatments! I HATED Clomid ~ seriously made me feel like a crazy woman. We did fertility for several years ~ we stopped with Invitro (couldn't do it). We then adopted a sweet baby boy!

Praying for your family!

Wendy said...

As I read your post, my heart aches for you, I'm sorry. I know first hand how painful and heart breaking this whole process can be. I got pregnant very quickly with my wonderful daughter, then I tried without sucess to have another baby for another ten years. Finallly, mentally and physically beaten, I realized that it was not meant for me. I am blessed with an amazing gift, my daughter Grace...if I only get to have one child-she is the one to have! She is well adjusted, happy and joyful... and after much soul searching I am too.

Anonymous said...

Hi Abby,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. You ARE still young even though you feel you are past what you planned. It is hard but believe that God's plan is even BETTER than your plan. You are a wonderful person so I believe wonderful things will happen in your life. Many Blessings

Anonymous said...

Oh, Abby, I know you've been going through a tough year. My son and his wife have just traveled the same path. She had a baby (not my son's) with no problem. And since they married ===nothing. After going through the tests they found out her tubes are completely blocked. Their only hope is invitro==$10,000. They are saving...

Keep the faith. You are wise to turn it over to God.

Elizabeth Myers said...

I am so sorry you are going through this struggle- I know how hard it is! I struggled through 2 surgeries and 5 years of various procedures, shots, tests,, along with miscarriage before I came to peace with the decision to stop. That is when my little miracle came along. I was 11 weeks preg before I even knew it (I was afraid to even pee on a stick after all that drama! Lol) My surprise just turned 3 and I thank god for him everyday. So you never know! Good for you for writing about it, and I will pray for you along your journey. I feel as if I know you from your blogs, and I know others feel the same. You are not alone! Hugs...

Savannah said...

You always have the best way with putting emotions into words! I'm so sorry to read of your struggles, but appreciate you sharing your heart. I know another baby (babies?!) is in your near future - all in God's timing! Praying for you!

P!nky said...

I am so sorry you have had such a hard year. I wish I had better thoughts and words to share, but I've never been where you are so I don't.

All I can say is you are doing the right thing, letting God take his path. He will lead you where you are supposed to go, no matter what.

Keep your faith and I'll be praying for you!

Love in Him!

Lauren said...

Hang in there, lady! God has a beautiful plan! I'm in a series of waiting too-- for my husband! It's a crazy, crazy world but we have the strength to do this! :)

Ashley said...

oh you spoke directly to me with this post. We are going through something similar and it's so, so frustrating to see negative test after negative test. You just assume you can get pregnant after already having one but that's not always the case. Trust in the Lord & His timing. He never, NEVER fails! :)

Jessica Travis said...

Hi Abby,

This will be my first comment to you, although I read your blogs ALL.THE.TIME! ... But this one I felt I had to write back!

I too struggled with secondary infertilty...tried for a year, then we did 7 rounds of clomid..no luck! Did the HSG test, and I too had blocked tubes (of course, no explantation from doctors!) and EVERYONE was getting pregnant around me (so easily I might add!) I felt sad, hopeless, mad, confused....

After 2 years of trying with fertility meds, we too threw our hands up and said God take over!

You are so strong to share your story already, because those of us that have been through it, we know exactly how you feel.

I can completely relate to your POAS addictions, google searches of symptoms (hoping they would lead to a postitive test), clomid hot flashes, sad mornings after a test had only 1 line, putting on a smile to the rest of the world, awaiting your miracle moment!

During our break, I became pregnant all natural without any meds! God is great and he does have a plan! Thank you so much for sharing your journey! You are not alone!

Jessica

Margaret S said...

Abby, Thank you for writing this - I am so glad that you have a place and a community to lean on for support. So many of my friends have traveled this road and felt so alone, felt like they must keep it inside for so many reasons. *hugs*

Jessica Travis said...

Abby,

You do not have to publish my previous comment. I actually realized that I was signed into my school account and not my blog account when it was sent! Oops!

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone! Thanks again for sharing your story!

Jessica

Nat said...

So sorry to hear this :( I can't even imagine how frustrating this news must be after you already had one baby just fine!
I know so many friends that are struggling with infertility issues and it sucks. There isn't a better word for it, it just does. Here's to letting go and letting God take control

Anonymous said...

Abby,

My heart aches for you, as it does all of the couples who fight the lonely battle of infertility. Good for you for opening up about it here.

As past commenters have written, know that you are not alone. My husband and I tried for over a year to conceive a child before seeking help, first in the form of clomid, then two IUIs that resulted in chemical pregnancies. Finally, we decided to give IVF ONE shot...and it worked - times two! We now have two beautiful 7 month old babies!

Try to enjoy the holidays ahead...cherish time with family and friends, relax...and drink a bottle of wine or two (or 5).

Have you considered acupuncture? I saw an acupuncturist that specializes in fertility issues for a few months before our IVF procedure. I truly believe that it contributed to our success.

Good luck to you and your family. Everything will be okay.

Becky in WI

Jessica M. said...

Thank you for sharing your struggle. My husband and I are on the same journey to have our first child and it was reassuring to know that there are other couples going through the same struggles we are. It is nice to know that other women are feeling the same emotional roller coaster that I am on the hormones. I am currently on Femara and understand all the fun that that brings. OUr next step in a month or so is to move to IUI and now thanks to you, I am more prepared for what that is going to entail. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in my journey of hope, sadness, despair in trying to have a baby. It is hard some days when you are surrounded by pregnant women, even our fertility doctor is pregnant. You also helped reassure me that whatever our path is, that it is meant for us and I am finally okay with that. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Fertility treatment can be demoralizing and difficult. There is a child for you, somewhere in someway. I will be thinking about you.

TeacherChicks said...

I am so sorry you are going through this! Isn't that always the case though, that we have to wait for His perfect time? I think I need to have that tattooed on my forehead, as I often get frustrated and forget~! I am still "waiting" on a husband and I turn 30 in a month! Ahhh! Don't you worry! It will all work out better than you ever dreamed. Jeremiah 29:11.
Amy
3 Teacher Chicks

Amanda said...

Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I share a very similar story. We have one perfect little boy, and have been trying for number 2 for almost two years now. I did 4 rounds of Clomid. All it did for me was make me a CRAZY lady. I just started my first round of Femara two days ago.

It's so comforting to know that there is someone else out there going through the same struggles. Sending prayers your way!

Anonymous said...

I cannot walk away without letting you know that you are not alone in your fertility struggles. After 3 miscarriages, 4 .rounds of clomid and I iui I finally had my beautiful baby. I remember the emotional and physical anguish and the way it dominates every waking moment (and your dreams too). I wish you both luck and peace.

Amanda said...

I understand exactly where you're coming from and it's extremely hard to give up that control. I like knowing what I'm doing, what's going on in my life, but I feel like I'm walking down the exact same path you're on right now.

Our son, Eli, was born 4 years ago. When he was 7 months old, we found out we were pregnant again. We weren't trying; it just happened. I was a nervous wreck, but was still so excited to be bringing another baby into the world. Unfortunately, I lost the baby at 8 weeks :( Since then we haven't been able to conceive. I went to my doctor and he said everything is fine, I'm just not getting pregnant. I did two rounds of Clomid and while it didn't make me crazy, I got even more frustrated because nothing happened as a result of the Clomid.

It's so frustrating especially when, like you said, everyone you know is pregnant, but I keep telling myself that God sees the whole picture and I'm only seeing just a small portion of it. I firmly believe that he knows what is best for our family and when the time is right for another child to enter it, it'll happen. It's a daily struggle for me but I trust God. I trust that he knows the plans he has for me and for my family (Jeremiah 29:11).

You and your family will be in my prayers. I pray that one day very soon our prayers will be answered!

Amanda
www.worldofthewilsons.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Lots of prayers being sent your way. May the Lord grant you with lots of peace, patience, and contentment during this waiting period. Thank you for being open and honest with your readers!

Anonymous said...

Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I just can't imagine the utter disappointment that you express so poignantly in your writing.
I just want to reach and give you a hug-you touch my life with your words-all the way up here in Canada!! Please know you are how much you mean to others!!

TeachLittleOnes said...

I have traveled a similar road. We finally just gave up. A month later, I was co-teaching with a dear friend and became extremely dizzy. She asked if I was pregnant. My flip response was, "Not unless it was an Immaculate Conception! We quit trying!". Much to our surprise...we were pregnant. My kiddos are 5&1/2 years apart. Not the time frame I had in mind, but the one He had in mind. Best Wishes and prayers for you!

Team Carroll said...

I love you, my sweet friend. Through it all, your faith prevails and God is sure to bring you great blessings in the future :) Love you!!! XO

AbbyS. said...

Abby. I know that my words are not going to make it all better and all the pain go away, but I am, have been, and will continue to think about you and pray for you and your well beyond adorable family. Waiting stinks, and I am so sorry for your pain. So glad you were able to blog about it and get it out there. You are amazing and the plans God has for The Mullins family are unthinkable and amazing too. Hang in there. (Oh- and AMEN to the Clomid hot flashes! No one believed me about those!) HUGS!!

whit said...

Hello! I am a Ky teacher who LOVES your blogs, and I've been waiting and waiting to see an update from you on this subject...I too struggle with infertility. We have done Clomid (AWFUL) IUI's and attempted invitro but my body was NOT cooperating with those crazy drugs! I feel your pain, I know exactly how you feel with everyone and their third cousin getting pregnant, facebook is the devil, and it's all around just awful. Have faith that Beckham really does prove that it's possible! Keep praying and I will too. I KNOW you will be posting about a beautiful surprise in the next few months. Thanks for posting! Love knowing I'm not alone.

Just A Primary Girl with Mrs. H said...

Abby, my sister in law went the same route as you, along with bleeding disorder and cervical cancer. Tried clomid and IUI 5 times. They also did IVF a few times unsuccessfully. Their surrogate miscarried and they gave up.
They ended up getting pregnant with no drugs and no help. They had their baby on their Valentines Day due date exactly 7 years after they started trying. I don't want to discourage, rather encourage you that it can happen. They tried and tried, and it took away from their marriage and each other. You sound very strong and you have so much support. I bet as soon as your plan to "let it go" happens you will be looking at a positive pregnancy test. best wishes for you. I know it is gut wrenching to see everyone around you having what you want. I wish you strength to get through those difficult times!
:)

Amy J said...

Sending prayers up for you and your sweet family.

Amy J said...

Prayers being sent up for you and your sweet family. XO

Goossens Family of 3 said...

Oh Abby! I have followed your blogs for quite some time and this post really hit my heart. We, too, have been trying to have another child for a little over a year now. Like you, we have already been blessed with one child (who is now 3), and it was soooo sooo easy to get pregnant. We thought that we would wait it out and try for a 2nd when she turned 2 (since we thought it would be as easy as the first time). Well, 15 months later, and it hasn't happened yet. I have blamed it on all kinds of things (stress, moving, hubby traveling a TON for his job, etc) I have been too stubborn to go to the doc, but am going to make an appointment after the holidays. I just didn't want to go this route, but, like you, I want to be in control. I just have to see if there is something wrong. Just know, that I am thinking of you, and I know exactly what you are going through. It's heart wrenching to see all of your friends get preggo with their 2nd or 3rd while you still only have one. It's even worse, when people ask you when you are going to have another like it's no big deal. If we do find out that something is wrong, I am to sure I am even going to go the clomid route. I already feel blessed with one. Two (or 3) would be ideal, but that just might not be in HIS plans. Like you said, it's all up to HIM. (((HUGS))) to you, Abby!

Goossens Family of 3 said...

Oh Abby! I have followed your blogs for quite some time and this post really hit my heart. We, too, have been trying to have another child for a little over a year now. Like you, we have already been blessed with one child (who is now 3), and it was soooo sooo easy to get pregnant. We thought that we would wait it out and try for a 2nd when she turned 2 (since we thought it would be as easy as the first time). Well, 15 months later, and it hasn't happened yet. I have blamed it on all kinds of things (stress, moving, hubby traveling a TON for his job, etc) I have been too stubborn to go to the doc, but am going to make an appointment after the holidays. I just didn't want to go this route, but, like you, I want to be in control. I just have to see if there is something wrong. Just know, that I am thinking of you, and I know exactly what you are going through. It's heart wrenching to see all of your friends get preggo with their 2nd or 3rd while you still only have one. It's even worse, when people ask you when you are going to have another like it's no big deal. If we do find out that something is wrong, I am to sure I am even going to go the clomid route. I already feel blessed with one. Two (or 3) would be ideal, but that just might not be in HIS plans. Like you said, it's all up to HIM. (((HUGS))) to you, Abby!

Melissa @ A Dozen Years Later said...

I am glad to see you blogging again. I am so very sorry for your struggle to get pregnant again. I am in a similar boat - 28 months of trying + 1 pregnancy which ended in miscarriage during our journey. I am currently in the 2ww and if this doesn't work I am throwing in the towel for a bit. It is so sad and so exhausting. I am so sorry.

Mrs. D said...

I know exactly what you are going through. After over 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive our first child, we are currenty "not trying". It's hard to not try when it's the one thing in life you want but can't have (yet). Through the challenges, I've grown my faith in God and His plan for my life.

Although this is a difficult time, there are many people (including me) who are going through the same thing and appreciate you being so open with your story.

Thank you.. and good luck! :)

Janet
Mrs. D's Firsties

luckeyfrog said...

As hard as this must be, it does make Becks even more beautiful, doesn't it?

He may have been a miracle without you even knowing it :)

God will make His plan happen, but I'm thinking of you in the meantime.

Jenny
Luckeyfrog's Lilypad

Anonymous said...

Please know that God's timing is most perfect! After getting pregnant only one month after trying, I went through a perfect pregnancy and a perfect baby. Since then I have had two unexplained miscarriages that shook and devastated my heart. Six years later, almost 33 years old, and done trying/worrying/testing we are now almost six months into our second healthy pregnancy. It has taken me this long to realize this IS the actual perfect time for a new miracle. I pray you feel peace with your decision and know that blessing will continue to fill your life as long as you leave our precious Savior in control. :)

~DeAnne~ said...

So sorry that you are going through this. Thank you for sharing your story with your readers. God always has a BIGGER picture in mind. It doesn't make sense to us, but everything in HIS timing, in HIS way. Hugs and prayers to you as we head into the new year.

įƒ¦DeAnne
First Grade and Fabulous

Dusty said...

Sorry to hear that things have been so rough! Glad though that it sounds like y'all are in a happier place. Will keep y'all in our thoughts and prayers!

The Granberrys said...

Infertility sucks. Just sucks. It is very humbling to be brought to a point where you just have to give that control to God. He has a plan for your family- and I'm praying you find comfort in whatever that may be!
P.S. Our successful combo included Waffle House b/f the IUI, ha! : )

Nikki said...

I could have written this post word for word...big hugs to you. Adoption is amazing and I wouldn't change how our family was formed for the world! God bless you on your journey!

L_La_Lau_Laur_Laura said...

Oh Abby.......I feel your pain. We have been trying for a yr and a half. Tried clomid, stopped to check husband and me. They told me I had a blocked tube so they sent me to the infertility dr. He redid the dye test (holy ouch) and found my body had cramped during the first one and it was open!!!! If it is blocked at the bottom/opening of the tube it can be a cramp-spasm. Did tubes and tubes of blood tests and found out I have pcos (basically don't ovulate). So onto fumera (1st round wasn't strong enough) second month was - so we did the iui and now we are in the two week wait -ughhhh!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your story - it brought me a few moments of feeling like someone knows exactly how I feel and has the same faith in god through it all. May you be blessed on your new journey.

Rachel said...

As I was sitting here reading this, it reminds me of exactly what we have been going through the past 3 years. All of my friends and family have had babies and are now working on baby #2.....and we still have not had baby #1. We have done everthing you guys have...except we only did 1 IUI and now we have had two doctors tell us the next step is in vitro. We are thinking adoption over in vitro..either way I know God is in control & He has a plan.I know this to be true but I still have to remind myself daily. Praying for you and your sweet family! You are not alone :)

Jill said...

You've just described the last 2 years of my life to a T. I'm thinking about you and this next step in expanding your family.

Jill said...

You've just described the last 2 years of my life to a T. Thinking about you, and best of luck in this next step of expanding your family.

Tara West said...

Thinking and praying for you. I have turned it over to God and pray that we are blessed with our first!

Jill said...

I have no words of wisdom, but just wanted to tell you I am so sorry :( We have been trying for about a year unsuccessfully, too, so I relate to your disappointments each month. We haven't tried professional help yet though so I can imagine that is even more disheartening :( I hope your family is blessed soon - in whatever way the Lord chooses.

bigbillsfan said...

I'm one of those blog stalkers. I read, but rarely comment. I took a break from blog reading (it kind of became a bit consuming!) and decided to catch up today. I felt like I was reading my own words. My husband and I have been trying for almost 4 years. We went to a specialist about a year and half ago...chlomid, 6 IUIs, ovidril, femara, folistim, HSG, laporascropy...nothing wrong and nothing worked. I know my husband thinks I'm crazy because I can't stop thinking about it and will break down crying for no reason. We're taking a break right now...trying to remember that I'm not in charge. Thank you for sharing your story. It stinks, but it is so nice to know that you're not alone and that what you are feeling is normal (given the situation). I wish you all the best with your waiting.

kristin said...

Abby, your timing of this post is almost uncanny. My husband and I have been trying for the past year and a half as well. We tried letrozole (like clomid but with less side effects), injections, 4 rounds of IUIs. Yet nothing worked. I felt like I was going crazy. Then last month, we decided to stop. I couldn't take it anymore - the person that I was becoming. And just as you said, there was a sense of peace in it. We too realized that we don't have control over this situation and we just let go. Would we still like to have a family? Absolutely! We're not sure how that's going to happen for us yet (that plan hasn't made itself evident to us yet). But reading your story about your past year and a half (which is the exact same timeline for me - crazy!) makes me feel not so alone. Not that I wish anyone to have to go through the agony of my past 18 months, but to know that there are other people out there feeling as I've been, helps make me feel the slightest bit normal (during a time when I've felt anything but!)So thank you for being so brave and sharing your story with us. I am so elated for your family's new journey and I will keeping you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

My favorite saying that I continually repeat in my head "Let go, and Let God." Wow! As hard as it is it seems like such a simple task! I feel your heartbreak as you feel everyone around you is pregnant. We recently had a miscarriage and I'm taking it much harder than I expected-- for the same reasons. Everyone around me is announcing with Christmas gifts, cards, etc. and I'm just saddened knowing that could have been me! I am trying to move on and remember "Let Go and Let God". He does have a plan for us- unfortunately control freaks, like us, have a hard time with this! ;) Good luck with the adoption process.Prayers are coming your way. Thank you for being an inspiration to me as well, I started following your teaching blog and now look forward to reading your personal blog in my free time. My goal for 2013 is to start a blog for my family-- I love the pictures as though this is an online scrapbook for your children to look back at in 20 years. Merry Christmas!

Nicki said...

Totally understand. We are on year 5 of trying, did 7 rounds of clomid---ugh horrid....and finally after being told..nope nada, we don't know why you aren't pregnant, but you probably won't ever be....we just stopped. We said no more meds, no more surgeries, nothing....except to wait. Which is what God told us to do..so now we are waiting...a year and half after being told too..and not sure where to go..adoption or just see what happens....so we know..we understand..and I am praying with you....
Mrs. Thigpen's Kindergarten