Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Sorrynotsorry.

So, the first sentence I typed and then deleted was this:

I don't want to come across as complaining, but...

Then, I realized, complaining is exactly what I want to do.

Sorrynotsorry.

Why, as women, do we not want to complain?  Is there a biological reason we want to preface our conversations with phrases like:

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but...

I don't want to complain, but...

Don't think I'm unappreciative, but...

Seriously, this is something I do all the time.

Now, I don't mean complain in the whiney, all-the-time, annoying kind of way (friends on your FB feed are probably popping into your mind right now).  Just in the, Hey!  I lead a real life where everything is not perfect all the time! kind of way.  

So, I'm going to complain!  And, I hope you don't think I'm being ungrateful.  Because that would be the understatement of the year.  

Here goes...

I HATE IVs, TUBES, CORDS, MEDICAL EQUIPMENT, ETC.

I hate setting them up, I hate lugging them around everywhere, I hate that Faith can't lead a normal baby life because she's attached to them all the time, I hate that I feel stressed when we go into public, I hate dressing and cap changes and anything else that requires sterility, I hate the risk of infection, I hate planning life around IV windows.  

The bag I've converted into our IV tote.  Make note that they make no cute bags for the purposes of toting around IV bags and pumps.  So annoying!

I know they are life-saving and allow us to be home with our daughter instead of in the hospital.  I get that.  

But, they can GO AWAY and I will NOT miss them.

It's not a fun aspect of life right now.  

It puts regular old childhood illnesses into perspective.  Give me an ear infection ANY DAY.

All of this comes after a particularly challenging day where Faith cried the entire time I performed some necessary central line care.  Unfortunately, I have to 'reverse swaddle' her, if you will - meaning, I use a blanket to hold her arms down, tucking it underneath her back so that the weight of her body keeps her arms from flailing while I'm working on her chest.  Yeah, not fun for anyone, especially Faith.  Sometimes, this puts her to sleep.  But, not yesterday.  

Then there's the bubble flicking.  Before you run the IV you have to rid the line of any air, and this is accomplished by flicking the line.  This is never an easy process, and I'm sometimes sitting on the floor praying that gravity will allow that last bit of air to run out.  Ya know, to avoid pulmonary embolisms.  No pressure.  

Dressing changes are my least favorite thing.  Her central line site is completely exposed, running the risk of infection every time we access it.  Hate. That.  She has to be reverse swaddled, it's time consuming, and makes me have a minor panic attack until it's redressed.  

UGH.

Okay.  I'm finished.  Thanks for listening and not judging.  Little Sis is worth every single second of every single procedure we have to do every day.  But that doesn't mean it won't be a glorious day when the docs tell us it's all over.  

17 comments:

P!nky said...

Girl, you complain! Vent it out here. I can only imagine the stress and the frustration you are dealing with. And complaining doesn't mean you aren't grateful for the kisses and the hugs or the joy.

It just means you're frustrated and you need to let it out. Heck, Jesus threw a temper tantrum in the temples, so I think we are allowed one or two ourselves ;)!

Praying for you and your family.

Nat said...

Feel free to complain all you want Abby! I know exactly what you mean because I start so many sentences that exact way but I think you get a free pass these days. You have a lot on your plate and I can't even imagine how hard it all must be. Sending prayers that your days of ivs, tubes, cord etc will be able to end soon for you and sweet Faith

Penny said...

You are allowed to voice frustrations within daily life. That is not being ungrateful or complaining. That is being a mother of a special needs child. Praying for you, your beautiful Faith, and your family.

Mrs. McHaffie said...

Mom = superhero … and that you are! Vent away, friend! Prayers for you and your beautiful family!

Jodi said...

Complain away! I can't imagine the mixed emotions of this whole thing. You are so thankful and unbelievable grateful for this blessing, but it definitely comes with challenges.

Kyle said...

Complain all you want, we've been there! We lugged around oxygen tanks, pulse oximeters, cords, and tubes for months. We still travel with a suction machine, chest compression vest machine, and the nebulizer machine. It's ok to get exhausted and complain. God has a plan and it's not always an easy plan, but it is always in his glory. Caring for a medically fragile child is the most exhausting thing we've ever done. But it's been the most rewarding. God bless!

Anonymous said...

Abby, complain away...I love reading your blog and reading about your beautiful family.

Becca Adams said...

I can't even imagine how difficult it must be! You're definitely entitled to a vent session or twelve. Prayers for you and sweet Faith!!

Anonymous said...

Complain all you want. Complaining doesn't mean you are not thankful for this little blessing in your life. Continued prayers for your family.

Allison said...

First, congratulations! Life as a mom of a preemie does not always get easier once they come home, but let me tell you the rewards are endless. My son, now a happy, VERY energetic and healthy nine year old was a former 23 weeker and weighed just 15 ounces at birth (yup). Here is my advice: take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute - it gets easier. And one day, when Faith is running around your house and skipping about, those memories of the wires, beeping monitor sounds and exhausting nights, will be a distant memory and you may even smile and laugh about it. It's also okay to complain - my gosh you deserve some time to vent! Good luck - You can do it!

Arodriguez said...

I know it is not easy, especially with an x-premie, and while it is not easy and it may not get easy for a long time because I too hated it all. It will get easier and harder in some ways!! There are days you just have to vent!!!

Arodriguez said...

I know it is not easy, especially with an x-premie, and while it is not easy and it may not get easy for a long time because I too hated it all. It will get easier and harder in some ways!! There are days you just have to vent!!!

Alicia Lochridge said...

Congratulations, Abby! I am so happy for you and your growing family. That little bundle of joy is so blessed to have you in her life. I know you feel the same about her. It's crazy how time flies and things change. Blessings to you and yours. Guess what?!? We moved from Las Vegas to the Kentucky!! We love it here. Take care and keep us updated. http://firstgradefactory.blogspot.com/2014/05/our-story-in-search-of-greener-pastures.html

Dusty Drosche said...

Don't be sorry. You have every right to complain and vent. Who wouldn't? I can't imagine the stress and anxiety. I know our medical issues pale in comparison to yours. But again, it's clear your are doing a great job in every adorable picture you post or funny anecdote you type. Continuing to lift y'all up in prayers!

Kimberly said...

I prefer to call it coping. No judging. No pretending I know how stressful it is. Just willing to listen and sending prayers for you and B - and your sweet blessings.

Kimberly

Anonymous said...

Keep going super mom! Last year our 16 month boy became very sick, had multiple strokes, which left him severely brain damaged. "Normal" becomes something totally different! There IS beauty in it, just like you have found! There are good and bad days, and LOTS of in between! Keep it up, be of good courage, you were made for this!

Elizabeth Hall said...

<3 you and Faith is SO very lucky to have you as her super-momma. I can't even imagine and I hope one day to be HALF of the mom you are! xo