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Monday, August 19, 2013

11 weeks and counting.

Hi.  It's been a long time.  Summer was way busier than I anticipated.  A little too busy.

And, in a fleeting second, it was gone.  Like that.

Suddenly, we're 11 weeks from expanding our family and sharing our lives with another beautiful blessing.  He's established himself in my heart.  Growing in my heart, not my belly, as the cliched adoption quote goes.  It's true, though.

{Becks showing how big his baby brother was compared to an eggplant}

In the beginning, I had a hard time figuring out how I was going to live out the waiting process.  Because there's all those what ifs that could really keep you up at night if that's the kind of game you want to play.  It's not a game, though.  It's a miracle in it's own rite and I needed to wade through the waiting waters in my own way and on my own time.

When we were first matched, I can only describe it as looking into a photograph and seeing that blurred "bokeh" effect.  Nothing was in focus.  Was this real?  Was it happening?  It's too good to be true, but I think it's true.  She picked us?  Really???

I kept trying to look, to see what I was supposed to see months into the future.  


I couldn't see anything but fuzz.  

Then we met her.  The lovely and wonderful and selfless woman who was making the most admirable and loving decision she could make for her child.  That's when things started to take shape.  

Less fuzz.  Less bokeh. 

For a long time, I pretended that I didn't really want to buy a pair of footed jammies.  Or pick out crib bedding.  Or find the perfect name.  Because, what if?

I finally had this moment of clarity where I decided that I needed to live out this waiting period for me.  The way I wanted to live it out despite the what-ifs.  

So, as the weeks have progressed into months, I've embraced my pseudo-pregnancy with fervor.  Nesting and all.  The picture is really starting to take shape.  There's nursery furniture.  A crib.  Ordered bedding.  Onesies and bottles and bibs. Washed and ready hand-me-down blankets from Becks' infancy.  A bring-me-home outfit.  A first pictures outfit. A stroller.  

 While there are many uncertainties and questions, I don't think I will understand God's picture until the day we meet this baby and share a sacred bond with his mother.  We'll cradle his sweet little head into our arms and admire all of his little perfections for the first time.  

I've never wanted to hold His hand tighter, as he leads me through the next several weeks, and I pray for peace and health and clarity.  For Jesus to be present every step of the way.  

74 days.